talking v. writing

came to a fork in the road (high level decisions w/ low level options). i started doing what i normally do, which is type in a doc i have called "random thoughts", and if i need less structure i pull out a pen and my notebook.

about 5min into my notebook, i found myself yapping away as if i were talking to someone (this happens a lot and yes i'm an only child). on a whim, i decided to try something new.

i opened voice memos. the initial 5 minutes were oh so awkward. and i talked about the awkwardness too. but once i got used to it, i started to discuss. i expected to ramble, but i surprisingly found myself choosing words with way more care than in a normal conversation. it was wonderful, and it only took 30min.

and then i was confused. why was this so efficient?

1/ at any given time, my mind is racing with thoughts. all the different facets, ideas, the "what if"s. and i typically enjoy entertaining most of them because i think there's always unexpected findings if you dig deep enough, and i learn more about myself. my mind is a playground, and typing is a very good medium to explore it. i can start an infinite number of threads, explore each freely and bounce from one to another without the limitations of a cohesive conversation. thats why i like writing.

and i always thought this was the way to go for everything: examine all possibilities thoroughly, and if you have to, choose the most logical ones.

talking felt different. when talking, i can only address one topic at a time. naturally, i start to carefully select each thought, which means i have to quickly weigh and rank them at every single word. and since every thought i examine i had deemed the most important, it was very efficient.

this was relatively obvious, but it felt like i was using a complete different set of muscles.

2/ because i was in a conversation with myself, i essentially gave myself undivided time and attention. the conversation wouldn't drift off into tangents uncontrollably, and proper etiquette weren't expected.

3/ what surprised me the most was how different my body felt. i physically felt which words i liked and which i cared less about. my heart beat faster for certain topics, my face felt hotter for certain directions, while i palmed my forehead for others. my gut also came more into play than i expected it to. i tended to call myself out more if something sounded like an excuse bc i could hear my intonations better & feel the tiniest physical reaction.

writing is probably best for most cases though still (like this one)